GETTING myself pulled by the promise of the supposedly greener pasture led me to spend two years and then some of my mid-twenties life here in the desert city of Dubai. During which time, I experienced a roller-coaster of emotions that made me question numerous instances if coming here was a mistake in the first place. I don't deny the fact that it was a gamble, an uncalculated risk that was spurred by my gutsy and impulsive instincts that have brought me to trouble sporadically. The prospect of saying goodbye to my old job and the thrill of experiencing new things lured me out from my comfort zone and with nothing but a few coins jiggling in my pocket and bags of self-confidence, I headed off to the Emirati land. But the soonest I was on the bus that would take me to the airport, I felt all the confidence slipping away. By the time I was at check-in, I was bawling my eyes out as I was making my last calls to my loved ones (as I really intended that they not see me thru departure). The moment I got off the plane and I could already feel the Dubai heat, I was looking back at the departure area, wanting very badly to collect my bags and take the next plane ride back home. I was scared sh*tless and the only thing that kept me from running back to my mother's skirts was the scarier thought of that huge amount of money I loaned to come here and won't be able to pay back if I do decide to chicken out from the impulsive decision that I made. And so I put up the facade of a confident woman and tried to find something for myself here in Dubai. It did not help to learn that I was swindled off my money by opportunistic people and to find the promised expectations failed. Though I braced myself beforehand to lower all my expectations, finding it firsthand and seeing that reality was worse than anticipated was another dulling blow to the guts. If not for the willing help and unsolicited support of a lot of 'kailyans' here, I don't know how I would have been able to make it. (But this is a story that would fill in numerous pages; all about their heartfelt help and care and love. As such, I'm very willing to lay my puny self down their feet, truth). Well I guess the circumstances that was thrust upon me made me tell myself that I made quite a drastic decision of trying my luck here. And because of that self-chastising, I turned cynical. | I know myself as an adventurous woman, one willing to brave the thrills of the unknown, but that part of me died down along with my self-confidence. Doubting my decision made me doubt other things; my capabilities, my strengths, my career and the life I'm supposed to be having at this stage. Suddenly I was no longer this girl who was so gung-ho about the prospect of an adventure. I got acquainted with all these new fears. To make matters worse, I nurtured these fears and self-doubt that held me back throughout my adaptation process. The self-defeating part is I know the reasons that ushered me into this miserable existence. I did not give myself a chance. I closed myself around this invisible bubble and clouded my thoughts with a lot of negativity. If I was this adventurous girl that I know should have been, I would have tried to love Dubai's endless odds and ends--from its skyscrapers to its sands, to its motley of people, food, SMELLS (yes, smeeells!). To have grabbed handfuls of sand and let them cascade through my fingers and to have picked ripe dates and squash them in my palms then lick their gritty sweetness off my fingers. But no, I chose to stay cooped up in my humble bedspace and whiled months and months glued to my laptop, refreshing my FB newsfeed every five minutes because of my hunger for home. I spent my days seeing more than enough internet for a day that I began seeing pink unicorns with wiggly horns and spaghetti-haired cats that farted rainbows. In a way, I was punishing myself. My then boyfriend (now husband), probably got deafened by my nonstop wails about going home, about being stupid because I threw away the immediate possibility of pursuing a doctorate to come and master the arts instead of incognito-ninja-moves when at work. Boy I cried endlessly, and shamelessly. There was never a day that passed by that I dreamt of going home and going back to the lifestyle that I was comfortably accustomed to. And now has it really been more than two years? And so my bags are all packed and I will be boarding the plane towards home soon. I am still punishing myself like I did on day one when I came here. But this time, I'm chastising myself for not giving the place a chance; for me to have learned to love it and have a sense of oneness with it. I can only list down the what-ifs. |
- I wish I would have taken time to stop for ten minutes and just look high up into Burj Khalifa.
- I wish I would have learned to appreciate all those hours at work instead of implanting in my mind every single morning that I should be doing more worthwhile things.
- I wish I would have given myself the chance to meet and mingle with more people because I know this would have tremendously helped in my homesickness.
- I wish I would have learned to appreciate all those other sights and sounds and smells that do not identify with those of home. (i.e. learned to love paratha, tried shisha, and worn a burka just to see how I'd look like with my thick hair all tucked in)
- I wish I would have uncapped more tequila bottles with my friends here and got crazy drunk just to momentarily forget reality. (Haha!)
- I wish I have learned to look beyond my boss' flaws and should have always greeted him with a ready smile.
- I wish I'd joyfully embraced my copywriting/accounting/secretarial/HR/etc. job and have truly felt blessed I wasn't wearing overalls earning my keep in the humid outdoors.
- I wish I was a lot more positive and appreciative so I should not be making this wish-list...
But even with these what-ifs, I would like to make my peace with this desert city. At the end of it all, I want to board the plane with a light heart and that of fond memories alone. I will then choose to imbibe in my heart and mind all these other wonderful things, people and places that I was able to meet and share experiences with to create that lasting impression that my stay here was good.
There are lots of picturesque sights and moments I wish I could have captured and indulged my self in more.
Dubai made realize that I still did not lose my touch in sports. Hurrah! ;)
Yes, I think I made my peace with the place and come into terms with the compromises and trials that were part of the package when I came here. I will miss the Emirates. Much as I don't want to admit it, there's this dull ache that I feel at the pit of my stomach right now. Unexpected, but it's there. So long Dubai...We're now friends again.